Coming Home To Yourself

[00:00:00] Welcome to the If She Did It Podcast. I’m your host Becky Feigin, a business coach for beginner online entrepreneurs. Consider this podcast your go-to guide for all things, scaling your business to your first 10k months. Get ready to be inspired through marketing, mindset, spirituality, and the stories of successful entrepreneurs. I’m so excited to have you here. Now let’s dive in.

[00:00:24] Welcome back to this week’s episode of the If She Did It podcast. I am so excited as always, we have another interview this week. In this week’s episode, I am interviewing one of my past clients who I absolutely adore, I consider her a dear friend. Her name is Rae Donchess, and she is such a badass, such a freaking badass, and has so much beautiful knowledge to share. I am just so excited for this episode. She is just so embodied in who she is. I just think it’s going to serve so many of you and I can’t wait to dive in. Now, before we get into the episode, I did just want to shamelessly plug that tonight, the day of uploading this episode, which is on Monday, as always, tonight, my best friend Courtney and I are hosting a master class called From Flopped to Five Figure Launch. It’s completely free. We’re so excited about it. The link will be in the show notes. If you want to sign up, it is not too late. And we’re going to talk to you about how to take your not launches up a notch is perfect for anyone that’s launched before but hasn’t seen the results they were looking for or hasn’t launched and is scared to launch. They want to learn how to do it the right way from the jump, and that’s exactly what it’s for. It’s going to be so much fun. We’re really excited about it. So head to the show notes for the link to sign up for that completely free. And with the drumroll, please, we will dive into this week’s episode.

[00:01:58] Welcome to the podcast. Raegan, I’m so excited to have you.

[00:02:02] Thank you so much for round, numero dos.

[00:02:06] Yeah. You guys, Raegan, and I recorded an episode in the fall I think, but I backlogged my podcast so much that I messaged Raegan and I said, I think you’ve changed too much. We need to rerecord that you have a new message to share. So here we are.

[00:02:23] Ok, so to get started, I want you to share your story with us. How did you come into the online world of coaching? What do you do, where you now, tell it all to us?

[00:02:37] I think my story with entrepreneurship really starts from I think how it starts with any entrepreneur is like, you know, from like a really young age, like you hate. Workspaces that are like not to run by yourself and that you have a hard time finding something that works for you and you just know you’re meant to do something your own, something on your own. And that was very much so me always just wanting to kind of like form my own path and do my own thing and had my own ideas. Always been very creative and want to express that and to share those gifts with the world. And so obviously, like as I got older, I discovered, like what I wanted to do and then how I came into the online space more specifically, I actually started as an intuitive movement coach slash personal trainer, really helping women rewrite their narratives around food and body and find food freedom and body freedom and self-acceptance in that like through the vessel of also using movement as medicine versus as punishment. And then immediately, rather immediately after starting, decided to just shift into the more mindset side of things and embodiment coaching and really where I help women come home to themselves and remember their true selves and to dismantle the stories that tell them they can’t be who they are in the world and express themselves and do what they came here to do.

[00:04:09] And love that. It is. I think that the cool one of the coolest things about the coaching space is that it helps us honestly as people see that there’s so much more out there for ourselves than what we’re taught by society that we kind of have to do. You know, there’s not just one path. There are so many different options and there are people like you to help us find that. So with everything that you do, what would you say is the biggest piece of helping women to really find themselves and find their voice and all of that? What would be the biggest piece about that is like the thing that you love most about that journey?

[00:04:56] I would say overall finding new ways of creating safety to be in their body. I think the thing that distances us the most from our truth and accessing even from just knowing what we need on an everyday basis, on a moment to moment basis, to knowing what brings us pleasure and knowing that we’re enough to decide that it’s OK to leave the to-do list for the day and decide to do it, whatever it is you feel called to, to then also like claiming what you desire, claiming what’s yours, taking up space. It really comes back to just creating safety for ourselves to be in our bodies. I work with a lot of women who are perfectionists. They’re overachievers, people-pleasers, constantly doing overworking burnout as a means of coping and avoiding themselves because it doesn’t feel safe to be in their body and to tend to themselves. And so I believe the most important piece of coaching is the creating of safety to be in one’s body and which we do and a multitude of ways in a lot of it comes back to being, into surrendering and into letting go and reconstructing the stories you tell yourself and the beliefs you have within that so you can feel more expressed and so you can remember your wholeness. I think we spend a lot of time trying to find our wholeness in places outside of ourselves. And so then we try to do all of these things to compensate. We please all the people. We make our business look a certain way. We think we have to be limited by a certain job to be enough of love, of acceptance, of support, of all the things and what coming home to ourself and making that and eliminating that if this then this game is just like remembering that we’re already whole and allowing ourselves to experience that.

[00:07:00] Absolutely. So I want to know what made you so passionate about this work that you do? What brought you to this place that you are at today where you just like are so into this space of helping women really find themselves?

[00:07:22] So I would say from a young age I’ve always just been super curious about number one supporting other humans, but then also just like really fascinated by our bodies and with movement and with everything that really goes into like embodiment as a whole of pleasure, of sexuality, of sensuality, of all of the things that I was then like very disconnected from a young age due to trauma, due to eating disorders, due to ultimately forgetting my truth, only to remember it. I do think that, like, we talk about purpose, right? Like what is my purpose? And we ask that question. And I think that we can have several different purposes, one of which is every single human’s purpose on this earth that they decide to adopt the belief is overcoming the obstacles and returning home to themselves. That’s just like an everyday commitment everyday thing that we come face to face with and make the choices that lead us to that space within ourselves. And so I would say after I really recovered from eating disorders and after I and even during that two, I just knew that I wanted to help women heal. I just didn’t know what that looked like yet. And so with that, I entered my bachelor’s program in psychology, but then I shifted to social work and now I’m finishing up my master’s of social work and have a lot of education, have done a lot of research and somatic processes, and embodiment and healing really from a somatic level versus like staying in our heads so much because we do heal when we start with our body and we don’t try to think our way through it. And so that was a tangent to ultimately say that I became so passionate about this work, number one because I think it is just like something that’s been in me since I came here. But the number two have also definitely had tons of personal experience with and have experienced how healing it is to allow myself to be supported and held by a mentor, by coaches, by therapists in remembering my true nature.

[00:09:45] So am I having a tangent? But you said something that I think would be really interesting to explore a little deeper. You brought up this concept of getting out of your head and getting into your body. And I know and you know that the majority of people who listen to this podcast are entrepreneurs. And I find that a lot of entrepreneurs do exactly that. They get stuck in their head and don’t know how to come into their body. And that concept doesn’t even make sense to them. Like I remember when I first started my business, I was like so in my head and the first coach to ever say to me, like, get into your body. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, shut up, get into my body, what does that even mean? So let’s go super base level and start the conversation by saying, like what? Tell me. Like, what does that mean to get into your body and out of your head?

[00:10:36] Yeah, well, number one before I go, like more specifically, I think that’s something that everybody gets to make meaning for themselves, like being in one’s body is going to feel different for everybody. It’s going to be a different process for everybody, and obviously, there are going to be similarities. And that resistance that you’re talking about, the like, what the fuck are you talking about? I don’t know how to be in my body. I feel like that is a lot of women for their whole entire life because we’re all like we’re taught to be martyrs. We’re taught to achieve, we’re taught to please. We’re taught to do all of the things you know. And even like just being with ourselves, being in stillness is like that is a practice of being in our body that we’re that we are distanced from young ages and even just like the shame and the guilt we carry around bodies in general. And what bodies mean about us also takes us out of our bodies. So there’s so much resistance to even like having the curiosity to discover, like, what it means to be in your body because it just feels so unsafe at first until it doesn’t, which is ultimately what any what healing any pattern or program or experience or way of being is. You don’t know what it’s like until you do. Right. And so. I would say ultimately, what being in your body, that was the question, right?

[00:12:00] You’re so like you’re such a thought leader like you have. So you have, like, so much knowledge inside of you. I love it. You’re like, let me preface this by saying this, but I love it. So, yes, that was the question, though. What is it? What is that? And maybe it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe it’s like and I know you said it’s going to be different for everyone, but some level of feeling just because like just to use my old self as an example. Right. Like when somebody when my coach first had said that to me, I was just like, well, like I’m in my body. Like, What do you mean? Like I’m in my body. Right. But I but at the same time, I knew that, like, I wasn’t necessarily. I didn’t understand what she meant, and at the same time, I realized that I wasn’t necessarily feeling the things I was thinking the things.

[00:12:44] Yes, yes. OK, so let’s start there. So I will say to like right all the time here, clients say like, holy shit, number one I didn’t know how much time I was spending my head. Number two, I don’t think I like I didn’t know what it meant to actually be in my body until I experienced it and felt it, because I think there’s kind of like a fuck you mentality at first of like what do you mean like like you said, I am in my body. And so I do think like symptoms of imbalance, of symptoms, of like when we’re living in our head, we essentially we’re living from our shoulders up, which is a trauma response. But we’re overthinking, we are like we almost have like this obsession. We have obsessions with to-do lists, but then also an obsession with like perfectionism. And we’re probably not setting boundaries and we’re probably constantly forcing ourselves to do a lot. And overall, that equating to feeling very disconnected, very disoriented, anxious, overwhelmed, stressed, like you’re doing all the things and nothing is working versus what it feels like to be in our body, which is going to feel more grounding and safe and almost like with seek to like safety, with like safety and having certainty and uncertainty. Because I feel like when we’re trying to think all our ways, especially in entrepreneurship, like we’re trying to figure out what’s next, like how the fuck do I launch this program? How do I write this piece of content so I can make everybody happy, which is not possible?

[00:14:25] We’re obsessed with our certainty. Right. Of like having to know what the end result is going to be. And when we’re in our body and body and who we are, we feel safe to be uncertain. And that’s enough. And also just an overall feeling of ease and flow. And from that space of being in our body and what I have found to be really beneficial, like in business, too, is like just the the the access to intuition. I have someone we’re disembodied in our head, of course, we say I don’t know what my intuition is telling me because we’re trying to think about it and intuition, we have like three ways of knowing our head logic, which is helpful in some cases our heart and our gut. When we’re in our body, we can actually, like, access our gut, our intuition and make really empowered choices from that space that maybe don’t necessarily make sense from a logical level. But that’s OK because we don’t need to make sense of them. And when we’re in our body, we can be trusting of that.

[00:15:26] Yeah, that was so good, I’m like I was sitting here listening to that and I’m like, OK, so the next direction that I want to go, my follow up question to that is so I know that before we started recording, we were talking about like different things that you talked about and you brought up like finding your voice and that kind of thing and listening to how you just kind of explain that in your head first in your body. Would you say that for somebody that’s like struggling to really identify like who are they? What is their voice? What do they stand for, all that kind of stuff? What do they believe in? Is it a lot easier to identify and come to terms with what that is for each person by being more in their body versus in their head?

[00:16:08] I would say a hundred percent, yes. Oh, I’m going to take a breath, because I was not in my body for a second, but when we’re in our head, we’re operating from like a fight or flight stance ultimately. Right. Or we’re obsessed with figuring out what’s next. We’re obsessed with figuring out who we should be, filling boxes or checking boxes, and meeting expectations and standards of all of the things we think we should do and all of the ways in which we think we should be in order to be safe, in order to be loved, in order to be a cookie-cutter entrepreneur in ways that we think we have to and whatever that looks like for each person. And it’s really easy to be disconnected from the truth in that way and to ultimately feel like you have no clarity around who you are and what that even means and what that even looks like for you. Well, I just got off a call with a client before I hopped on the podcast to record with you, and we just started working together.

[00:17:20] So it’s something we do really early in the coaching container is just like getting really clear on number one, establishing the daily practice of, like, coming home to yourself, which normally looks like checking in with yourself, like, OK, like what do I need? Like who am I today and really coming back into our body. And she’s like, well I don’t know what the fuck I need. Like, good, like that’s why we’re going to practice. And as we continue that daily practice of coming home to ourselves and doing that on a moment-to-moment basis, we build that connection with, let’s say, like our most expansive self. So like higher self, expansive self, whatever it is. And the certainty and what you do need becomes clearer. The certainty and who you are does become clearer because you know who you aren’t. And again, being in our body gives us the feeling of safety, which allows us to trust whatever that is, even when it’s different than what we thought it should be and who we thought we should be.

[00:18:20] So those of you that are listening, Raegan was one of my clients a long time ago now, like when she was more into the movement and that side of things as she started to transition. And I was going to wait for and I want to say this to you after we’re done recording, but I just feel like it’s fitting to say right now, I’m just like, so amazed listening to you talk because you are so like you’re really like walking the talk, like of everything that you’re teaching and what you’re talking about right now. Like, you are just so grounded in everything you’re saying. And I’m just like, honestly enjoying listening, because when we work together, it was a very different energy. And it’s just really fun and cool to listen to you share your knowledge now because you’re just so like, I don’t know like I don’t even know how to describe it just like chill with it and just like so calm.

[00:19:17] Thank you. And that that’s validating for me to hear too because sometimes I still feel like I hop on like podcasts to be interviewed or I’m like talking with a client or I’m like in a group coaching container and I’m coaching and sometimes I’m like, I hope what I’m saying, like, makes sense. And I hope it seems like I’m grounded in it and not all over the place because sometimes I feel like things are scattered or don’t make sense or only makes sense to me, which is a story I have that has been in the works of being deprogrammed. But I’m glad to hear that it feels like it’s coming from a really grounding stage, too. It feels like that was the time.

[00:19:55] Yeah. And I think that a lot of people have that story in their head of does this make sense? Like, I constantly catch myself asking my clients, do you understand what I’m saying? Am I being clear here because it’s also a place when you get overly excited about something, you the general, you just kind of spill and then say, hold on, let’s back up two steps. Was that clear? But anyway, moving on with this whole conversation. So we talked about coming into your body what that means. We talked about kind of how that connects with finding your voice and all of that. So another thing that we were talking about was how entrepreneurs really tend to put themselves in boxes and almost get stuck in kind of what you were saying before of like that cookie-cutter entrepreneur type person. So talk to me a little bit about somebody that’s putting themselves in a box and let’s say it’s so human nature for them to put themselves in the boxes. They don’t know any better. How does one even identify that? Like, how do they identify if they are? Stop kind of, because I think a lot of times people are stuck in a box and they just don’t even realize because they’re so programmed to think, oh, this is normal.

[00:21:11] Yeah, yeah. No, for sure. And I think one of the telltale signs of knowing that you’re stuck in a box is when you feel like you’re unable to shift to pivot to something definitely like a multi-passionate entrepreneur. And I’m sure that so many of your followers and listeners can resonate with that. But in just like having this narrative of like, oh, I can only pick one thing. I’m down to this one thing and I have to do this one thing for the rest of my life. And there can be a lot of stubbornness and stagnancy and overwhelm and resistance that comes up with that, because you’re limiting yourself and you’re like and I believe business is like. Right. Like we are our business is like an extension of us. It is our self-expression. And to put yourself in a box saying I can only offer this one service, I can only make this one product or whatever it is and saying but is essentially saying your expression has to stay in a box too and your expression is way bigger and more vast than that. Exactly how it should be and should is needed in this case. That’s a should because it needs to be, that’s how it’s supposed to be. So if you’re feeling limited by what you can do and who you can be in business or what it has to look like, because you’re comparing yourself to Sally, the other entrepreneur, I almost said Becky the entrepreneur.

[00:22:40] But anyway, find yourself trying to just force yourself to do things and make things and create things in a way that’s not feeling good for you. And there is a lot of resistance and stubbornness and like thinking there’s something wrong with you because of that. Number one, let’s detach from it. The stubbornness, the resistance, the stagnancy means nothing about you. And how can we invite curiosity to that? Like what part of you feel stuck out come about? What is it that you’re doing? What is it that’s not working? And I’m sure somewhere within that conversation of like what’s not working for me and how is it that I feel stuck and having so much compassion towards that part of yourself versus judgment for feeling like you can’t write a caption or for feeling like you have so much fear around, just like the creative process in general and entrepreneurship to invite that conversation and allow that to show you where you’re stuck and why you’re stuck in it. Definitely, more often than not, I think is rooted in making ourselves stay in some sort of box, like whether that box is a system or a structure or a personality that you feel like you have to show up with online. You know, for a long time, I tried to make myself be the coach who liked shiny things and, you know, was like this manifestation guru and was really like high vibe all of the time, but like high vibe and like really excited and like dancing everywhere. And like, that’s just not me. Like, my high vibe looks different and finally allowing myself to take myself out of the box and allow myself to just like show up as I am every day, was so liberating and ultimately attracted ideal clients to me and increased audience engagement and all the things because I wasn’t trying to be somebody I wasn’t.

[00:25:00] Yeah, absolutely. And I think another piece of this and like getting out of that box is identifying that like because I think a lot of times people get stuck in a box because they’re so worried about other people’s judgment of themselves like they’re so worried about what people are going to say, what people are going to think when you are yourself. But you’re such a great example of what you just said. You know, you started to be yourself and it brought it attracted those dream clients to you and things started to flow in the right direction. And I think it’s just such a good reminder that it’s first of all, it’s so much easier. I get so angry and people suggest to like you saying that you care what people think is, well, just don’t care. Like, it’s just don’t like, OK, that’s so helpful. Thank you for telling me I’m not going to care anymore. Like, it’s so much deeper than that. But something that I’ve learned recently that I think is such a good reminder is just remembering that you know, you’re like if you let someone else’s judgment of you dictate your life, you are literally giving control of your life away to a stranger that in reality probably doesn’t actually care that much or just telling us ourselves a story that they are judging us or whatever it is. So I feel like that’s like an added piece to it to have, like everything you said. And on top of that. Just challenge yourself to and question like, why do I care what people think? Is that part of the problem? And if so, why am I giving my control away to those people?

[00:26:34] Yeah, and ultimately, that’s a symptom of being out of our body to like that obsession with what other people think of us. I don’t know if a lot of your followers can relate to this, but something that has helped me understand and just relate to myself and kind of makes peace with myself, with the part of myself that was so concerned about what other people think of me is like just knowing that as a highly sensitive person, as an impact like me, tend to be more self-critical of ourselves as well. And so it’s like the added energy glow of somebody possibly judging us, for rejecting us, for being who we are as devastating. And something in addition to what you said, Becky, about like asking yourself, OK, do I care about what other people think of me or why do I and why am I allowing them to control my life? Something that has been super helpful for me to enter into when I’m starting to like if your monkies around showing up, just like as I am and expressing myself in terms of what other people may or may being the keyword or may not think of me.

[00:27:40] There’s uncertainty there, which is can be scary is ultimately like putting it back on them. While I know that if I show up a certain way and I trigger them and they respond or not even respond, but they react with judgment, with rejection, with abandonment, or whatever it is like, what does that mean about them? Right. Like ultimately it means that I triggered something in them and it’s either because they don’t like that thing in themselves or they see that same thing in themselves that they want to be able to express. And they haven’t allowed themselves to go there yet. Not really your self expression. You are showing up you’re being in your body and being yourself like. It doesn’t it’s not it can’t have a string attached to what other people are going to think, otherwise you’ll never be able to feel like yourself trusting in that. And I apologize. I don’t know how to turn my email notifications off. So it’s gone off five times. So I just want to, like, call the elephant in the room.

[00:28:42] I can assure you, I have listened to so many podcasts by so many different people whose phones go off, their emails go off. It’s just there should be a really simple way to shut noises off. But there’s not it’s inconvenient. But what are you going to do? But yes, I loved everything that you just said, and I completely agree with it all. And I think that that’s probably going to be helpful to a lot of people. But with that, I mean, I can ask you questions and talk to you all afternoon. But, you know, to on everybody’s time. Let’s close out this episode with one last question for those who are listening that are, you know, that heard your story, that or are listening because they’re just getting started in their business, or maybe they want to start, but they’re scared to, like, dip their foot in. What advice would you want to give them?

[00:29:47] Oh, I would say. Two things, number one. There’s not a right or wrong way. To do business. Well, I mean, there it is, right, don’t be malicious, don’t be unethical. Don’t be a shithead. Right. And ultimately, you got that under control and you’re building an ethical brand. And you are. And you are doing all things that require you to have a sound coaching practice or sound business and whatever that means for whatever type of work you do. There’s not a wrong, right, or wrong way to do business. Ever wanted to be yourself in business? It gets to change every single day into that. Before I go to number two, I also work with a lot of perfectionists who want to be themselves and to feel like they don’t have to be perfect and they can just show up raw and messy and vulnerable and be OK with whoever she is on any given day, on any given moment. Perfectionism tends to take on another hold as we heal perfectionism in other forms, like perfectionism in the food, space, perfectionism and body space, perfectionism, and whatever it is right. It just continues to transform and transmute. And it’ll take being yourself to those working with a client last week and. She was like, I feel like I was finally myself yesterday, but today I wasn’t I wasn’t like her.

[00:31:21] So just like making like being yourself a box to, like, thinking and has to look the same way every single day, you know, you get to shapeshift in terms of like how you’re feeling, what the energy is like. That gets to be so playful and fun and curious. So have fun with it. And number two, get in your body, get your body when you feel stuck in your body when you feel like you have writer’s block. Which ultimately means that we’re not writing what we want to write, I believe. I don’t think it actually means we’ve blocked the truth, justice, and get your body when you feel fear, get getting your body when you feel anything, any resistance of any kind. Let get in your body, get back into the flow. Your body knows the truth and. Yeah, it’s the key to heal that part of you who overthinks who perfects you over analyses, over plans, who is obsessed with certainty, not only like within the business. Right. Because that’s definitely a big part of this. But then also, just like with life as a whole and like the two are inseparable. So I like that.

[00:32:29] I love those tips. That’s amazing. Well, thank you so much for being here today. I will put Raegan’s links in the show, notes that you all can connect with her. And yeah. Thank you again for being here, girl.

[00:32:41] Thank you for having me.

[00:32:43] I told you all it was a good one. Do I say that every week? I probably say that every week, but for real, I love every guest that I bring on this podcast. It’s so much fun for me and I hope that you enjoy it as much as I do. So if you’re loving the podcast, it would mean the absolute world to me. If you would give it a follow, subscribe, share your favorite episode. If this was and you enjoyed the episode, share it on Instagram. Tag me, tag Rae. We would love to see it leave a review that would be so amazing. The more engagement, the more views, the more subscribers, the more ears that we can get this podcast into, the more lives we can impact and change. And that’s what this is all about. It’s all about growth, learning, impact. All of the things and yeah, so please leave a review, share all the things, I would so appreciate it. And with that one final reminder to head the show notes to grab your spot for the free Flop to Five Figure master class. I hope you have a fabulous week and I will see you next week, even though I never see you. You just hear me. But I will be back next week with another episode of the If She Did It podcast.

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